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“Are you going to try for another one?”
The ink on our marriage certificate wasn’t even dry before people began to ask when my husband and I were planning on having children. This seemingly innocent question was often met with ‘we don’t know’ outwardly, but inwardly it reinforced the shame of not being able to conceive a child.
I am the one in four.
I suffered in silence processing the weight of miscarriage and its impact on my relationship with God. It wasn’t until studying this passage in 1 Samuel that my eyes were opened to who God is…
There was a certain man of Ramathaim-zophim of the hill country of Ephraim whose name was Elkanah the son of Jeroham, son of Elihu, son of Tohu, son of Zuph, an Ephrathite. 2 He had two wives. The name of the one was Hannah, and the name of the other, Peninnah. And Peninnah had children, but Hannah had no children.
1 Samuel 1:1-8 ESV
3 Now this man used to go up year by year from his city to worship and to sacrifice to the Lord of hosts at Shiloh, where the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were priests of the Lord. 4 On the day when Elkanah sacrificed, he would give portions to Peninnah his wife and to all her sons and daughters. 5 But to Hannah he gave a double portion, because he loved her, though the Lord had closed her womb. 6 And her rival used to provoke her grievously to irritate her, because the Lord had closed her womb. 7 So it went on year by year. As often as she went up to the house of the Lord, she used to provoke her. Therefore Hannah wept and would not eat. 8 And Elkanah, her husband, said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep? And why do you not eat? And why is your heart sad? Am I not more to you than ten sons?”
Hannah desperately wants children. Yet, year after year, she finds herself barren, taunted, and suffering, but here’s the thing that stood out to me. In verses 5 and 6, it says ‘The Lord’… The Lord had closed her womb. This wrecked me and flipped my understanding of who God was upside down. God is all-powerful. God is sovereign. God gives and takes life (1 Samuel 2:6)… So why did He close Hannah’s womb?
The beauty of having a relationship with God is that I knew that I could take that question directly to Him in prayer. He’s not afraid of my questions. He knows what’s on my heart and mind even if I withhold them in my prayers. So after I asked about Hannah, I asked why He had closed my womb. As usual, God turned my questions around and challenged me with questions. He asked me, ‘What are you nurturing? What are you doing in the ‘not yet’ window?’
After I thought about it for a while, I answered with this…….. Grief. That’s what I was nurturing. What I also recognized was that the bitterness and resentment of loss had slowly worked itself into other parts of my life. By nurturing my own grief, I was allowing it to distort how I saw Him. I began to doubt the goodness of God. I second-guessed any blessing that showed up in my life. I refused to allow myself access to joy in the waiting.
Each question about having a baby reinforced feelings of shame and guilt and drug my soul into an even darker place. Yes, I recognize that most people ask those questions from a place of innocence or as a cultural norm. Yet, it still stung me deeply and made me feel unworthy. Somehow, God used my one question about Hannah to expose things that I had hidden in the deepest crevices of my soul.
Miscarriage and loss is real. God wasn’t denying or ignoring my pain; He was shining a light on how skewed it had made my perspective of His character.
As I continued to read about Hannah, I recognized that her desperate surrender and obedience led to overcoming her pain and suffering. She was blessed with not one, but multiple children. Isn’t God good? In suffering, surrender, and obedience, God is all mighty and worthy of praise.
I needed that moment to recognize that God is all-powerful and sovereign. I needed that moment to really believe that regardless of the loss and suffering, He is still good and He has good plans for me. The key is surrender and obedience to His will. Embracing whatever He wants me to birth into this world, be it children in the physical or not.
And that’s what I want to encourage you with today, God is STILL good. Let the Lord give clarity to the dark hidden places, not the world. Allow yourself to bring whatever you’re struggling with into His light; Surrender it there at His feet. Walk in obedience to bring forth whatever He’s calling you to… I promise there is goodness waiting for you to discover.
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I know that most people are in the midst of the hustle and bustle of the season, but December always reminds me to slow down and reflect. It’s something about the cold weather that forces me to cozy up and sit still… I believe the stillness opens
With a little over 30 days left in the year, it’s easy to put a pin in new ideas or projects until the new year. As tempting as enjoying the pause may be, there are some things that we have been called to do that require our action now. Spiritual callings require our steadfast attention, not temporary devotion when our schedules allow. In this season, the Lord has been challenging me to finish well.
In a culture that values purpose and spiritual gifting, it’s interesting how quickly we toss them to the side when we’re fatigued or distracted. We yield to the flesh instead of the Holy Spirit’s guidance. We abandon how we show up out of convenience; missing opportunities to share the Gospel or be the hands and feet of Christ. Simply put, we fail to finish well.
El Roi. The God who sees me. When we talk about Hagar, we often refer to this tender exchange. This exact moment in the wilderness when she encounters God… when she accepts correction and instruction to return to a tense situation… when she receives the promise concerning the son in her womb… when she recognizes that she is seen and known by name. Yes, this is a pivotal moment, marked with such a significant name, and as I began to walk through Hagar’s story, to be seen, is so much deeper than watching someone visually.
“Are you going to try for another one?”
The ink on our marriage certificate wasn’t even dry before people began to ask when my husband and I were planning on having children. This seemingly innocent question was often met with ‘we don’t know’ outwardly, but inwardly it reinforced the shame of not being able to conceive a child.
I am the one in four.
If you or someone close to you is in need, we would be honored to lift you up in prayer. We believe in the power of prayer to bring peace, comfort, and reassurance during times of hardship. Our community is ready to join together and pray as we trust in God’s love and unending grace.
