*WARNING* – The following post may contain triggering content (grief, loss, pregnancy loss, infertility). My prayer is that you find comfort in surrendering those thoughts, feelings, and residual traumas to God.
“Are you going to try for another one?”
The ink on our marriage certificate wasn’t even dry before people began to ask when my husband and I were planning on having children. This seemingly innocent question was often met with ‘we don’t know’ outwardly, but inwardly it reinforced the shame of not being able to conceive a child.
I am the one in four.
I suffered in silence processing the weight of miscarriage and its impact on my relationship with God. It wasn’t until studying this passage in 1 Samuel that my eyes were opened to who God is…
Hannah desperately wants children. Yet, year after year, she finds herself barren, taunted, and suffering, but here’s the thing that stood out to me. In verses 5 and 6, it says ‘The Lord’… The Lord had closed her womb. This wrecked me and flipped my understanding of who God was upside down. God is all-powerful. God is sovereign. God gives and takes life (1 Samuel 2:6)… So why did He close Hannah’s womb?
The beauty of having a relationship with God is that I knew that I could take that question directly to Him in prayer. He’s not afraid of my questions. He knows what’s on my heart and mind even if I withhold them in my prayers. So after I asked about Hannah, I asked why He had closed my womb. As usual, God turned my questions around and challenged me with questions. He asked me, ‘What are you nurturing? What are you doing in the ‘not yet’ window?’
After I thought about it for a while, I answered with this…….. Grief. That’s what I was nurturing. What I also recognized was that the bitterness and resentment of loss had slowly worked itself into other parts of my life. By nurturing my own grief, I was allowing it to distort how I saw Him. I began to doubt the goodness of God. I second-guessed any blessing that showed up in my life. I refused to allow myself access to joy in the waiting.
Each question about having a baby reinforced feelings of shame and guilt and drug my soul into an even darker place. Yes, I recognize that most people ask those questions from a place of innocence or as a cultural norm. Yet, it still stung me deeply and made me feel unworthy. Somehow, God used my one question about Hannah to expose things that I had hidden in the deepest crevices of my soul.
Miscarriage and loss is real. God wasn’t denying or ignoring my pain; He was shining a light on how skewed it had made my perspective of His character.
As I continued to read about Hannah, I recognized that her desperate surrender and obedience led to overcoming her pain and suffering. She was blessed with not one, but multiple children. Isn’t God good? In suffering, surrender, and obedience, God is all mighty and worthy of praise.
I needed that moment to recognize that God is all-powerful and sovereign. I needed that moment to really believe that regardless of the loss and suffering, He is still good and He has good plans for me. The key is surrender and obedience to His will. Embracing whatever He wants me to birth into this world, be it children in the physical or not.
And that’s what I want to encourage you with today, God is STILL good. Let the Lord give clarity to the dark hidden places, not the world. Allow yourself to bring whatever you’re struggling with into His light; Surrender it there at His feet. Walk in obedience to bring forth whatever He’s calling you to… I promise there is goodness waiting for you to discover.